Mismanaged and Missapplied

I know I haven’t posted much lately. Why? Well, I’m not even sure. I will do my best to keep putting things up. A lot of things are changing and I figure it might be nice to write about them. Every once in a while I figure one of these thoughts in my head might actually be worth something. When those thoughts come along I’ll try to write them here. If any of you have any thoughts on my musings please feel free to post. I also have a few books to review as well. Stay tuned.

I am sitting here dumbfounded that it is the 25rd of July. Whoa. What just happened to my summer. I know people say that about summer and vacations all the time..." oo man my vacation went sooo fast"...yadda yadda yadda. I've always just taken that as someone telling me that they did nothing productive with their time and instead filled it with mindless activities that seem to make time go faster. As they open their mouth to tell me what they did they realize that their activity of choice was not terribly exciting to recount and in the end didn't produce much. So, they tell me they don't know where the time went in an effort to convey the confusion their brain is currently muddled in. In other words, the phrase "I don't know where the time went" is a cover for their brain not allowing them accept the fact that they sat in a chair staring at a computer screen playing flash games for the past week. Generally, when people respond to the question by answering with the general terminology "I did so much it's good to be back to the normal grind" or "I could use another month at least!" means their were actual beneficial activities taking place or there was actual progress in "de-stressing" activities made.
I mention all this to draw one of several conclusions for this post. The human brain is actually a terrible thing to be inadequately engaged for long periods. The brain will, when engaged for long periods in low level activities focused on task far far below its capability not being tasked with constantly managing heavy physical stress, will in fact start ignoring itself. This was a very interesting concept I stumbled upon the other day. The brain ignoring itself. This is not to be compared to one's ignoring of personal health or activities, but rather an activity that affects only the brain. When engaged in this way, the brain decreases in its ability to perceive non standard data, loses calibration on its musculature, and simply ignores higher functions. Flash games are a perfect example of such an activity. Unless in a competitive environment with peers, your average flash game is a simple game of either clicking a button quickly and accurately enough, gold management, or simple strategy. Some are slightly challenging yet strangely compelling and always repetitive. Once the brain has achieved a conceptual understanding of the task and learned enough to be able to produce marginal improvement...it starts placing a higher percentage on standbye which gives the brain the illusion of rest. There is no stress reduction, no education, no relaxation...just mere neutrality...nay apathy. As time goes on it will become more and more difficult to engage in activities with the same percentage of brain power. When one now moves from the flash game to higher tasks, the same amount of brain power is initially available meaning the task takes longer to complete and is perceived as more difficult. Unless the flash game is used as an element in a multitasking environment or in a highly competitive situation then the above will occur. This concept can be broadly applied and provides an argument for the following: the human brain must never be allowed to become neutral for long periods of time. Stress reduction and relaxation is gained through variations of activities rather than a complete cessation of them. Complete cessation occurs in sleep. Sleep an appropriate amount and your brain will have had enough of off time for a while. This is an argument against a great many things: wasting time on flash games, watching lots of television, dreaming of long vacations or retirement with nothing to do. So, through trial and error, I have discovered yet another key into understanding my brain. I need a task at all times. Whether the task is in itself to be relaxed, to pay attention to a certain muscle group, to complete something, to become faster at something, to work around something, to remember, to listen, to watch…my brain needs a task. Why in the world it’s taken me this long to figure out I have no idea. The consequences of letting my brain slip into neutral are, in part, allowing my head to ask and dwell on questions that need not be asked and events that best be learned from and forgotten. Problem is….my brain is really really good at slipping into neutral. A great thank you to flash games and none cognitive intensive jobs for that one.

If you wish to test my theory here is a little something to get you started:
Flash Tower Defense


Random things learned in the past few weeks:
-My brain wants consistency and order in everything...but I know that's not good for me. When did I start being like this….no idea.
-I've discovered that it is rather difficult to keep the worn once clothes separate from the worn twice clothes. These piles seem to very easily merge...the worn three times pile is absolutely impossible to keep track of.
-My middle ears hold a ridiculous amount of water. I should find a job in the desert.
-Somehow, I’m so at piece living in a semi-beat up apt with 5 guys. I think it’s the people…and the older gentleman that lives downstairs that swears at his tv in the middle of the night. I am perfectly fine with having small amounts of personal roomage. It sort or forces me to remember the things that are important for living. I’d like a little more space to have some more people over but hey…that’s what God made the deck for. What was I thinking living in a freaking huge house last year??? Sigh, not my brightest moment. Must have been the pillars out front….such a sucker for pillars.
-Working on getting a job as a lobster fisherman. THAT WOULD BE SO COOL. Apparently, it's a tough field to get into. I'm talking to a few gentlemen that I can find. Hopefully something fun will come of it.
-My camera rocks. It’s the user that’s a bit challenged.
-The world has changed to the point where being knowledgeable about a great many things is no longer economically viable. I am so screwed. (Future Post???)
-I’m not an idiot…just terribly mismanaged and misapplied. Maybe Kennith Lay wasn’t a good choice for a life coach.

This is where I divide

This is the part where I die. Die? Perhaps divide. Divide? The part that lived. The part that lied. Burnt by countless hours. Incessant study is poor for the soul. Didn't He say that. Maybe? He said. I think. Too many minds. Can't seem to lock on in. Running like a wildefire. Burnt. Burnt? How? No real enemy this time. Just whats gone beyond. Where? Away. From here. No control like a nervous bird in a cage. Banging its wings on the frantic wire. The rythum is there. No words though. All gone. Burnt. This is the part where I die. Die? No. Divide.

What a Day

Today is a good day. I haven't been able to say that in a very long time and not be lying through my teeth. Today is a good day. I woke up at my buddies place, had some dd for breakfast and then proceeded to work out for an hour and a half. This was my last PE class and suprisingly...it was amazing. I was so sore by the time I got out of there. Wayne and I did upper body today and somehow we made it through all that plus the many laps of lunges and joking Father B made us do. Went to work and actually accomplished something for a change. I then went to baja fresh for lunch and sat on the beach for a bit. I went to my LAST CLASS AT GORDON COLLEGE in which I reviewed dna sequencing data cloned from my own body...actually really cool. I will have pics and info later. I then was dragged to the beach for a game a frisbee amoung the embracing sand, cold waves, good friends, and beautiful women... oopps...was I not allowed to mention that last one. I ummm, I'm not really looking...HONEST! :) I went back to gordon, chilled in the car with some toons for a bit, went to the bev farms library and got locked out with all my stuff in. O yeah, if you ever get the impression I have any personal pride left at all...well...its a huge lie. I have absolutely none. Now, I'm sitting in my back yard, under the gentle dusk light, talking with my redleaved friend here about all the birds and how excited they must be. Yes...and tonight is sushi with great friends and a semester survived of p-chem party. This all is not to say the amount of work that remains to be done is not incredibly huge and extremely oppressing and makes me sick to think about it or that most of today could have been spent doing that work, but I had a good day. A good time to remember. I've been called insane by several professors and insanely stupid by many friends for the work load I've had this past year. I tell you its nearly..okay has, driven my so far into the dirt I now have met personally several species of earthworm I never knew existed. But ya know...my God is bigger. Somehow...somewhere...something good is coming out of this year. I'm just hoping it happens before the goof offs at sallie mae realize my death was a rouse :) I know this year hasn't been all lost. I was suprised that at the senior formal last weekend I could walk around the whole room and meet and greet at least one person I knew at each table. I've developed so many amazing relationships this year I can't even express them all. I've also lost touch with a few too many people too...which makes me sad. That is what this summer is for. Sleep, friends, family, bbqs, weddings, beaches, woods, guns, bikes, gres, and hopefully hopefully hopefully some woodland training courses I would die to take. And especially friends. We'll see. The first week is going to be all sleep. Well, some rather loud people have just interrupted my peaceful introspective moment in the backyard. Was great while it lasted. The squirrel in my redleafed friend agrees...it's time for sushi. I love you all.

Long day

So, the next two weeks are going to be INSANE. I just really hope I can get it all done. I don't want another year like this one...no please. While I've learned more than I could ever tell you and grown in ways that scare even me...I'd rather not try it again. I just hope I've learned everything I was supposed to cause I'm generally terrible at makeup exams. I'm really really tired. I don't even think I can express how tired I am to you, but there are some good happenings in my life. I got to play in the sand yesterday and watch videos of my nephew and niece! After that, I hung out in the crow's nest of emery working on biochem labs with a couple gentleman interspersing work with snipits of return of the king on the projector...accompanied with pizza of course. At about 5 am I went to the house, cooked some buffalo burgers, and went back to campus to have a quick late dinner/breakfast/thirdsies whatever in the gordon tower. Went back to emery, worked for another hour or too...then collapsed in the penthouse for 20 min, in the penthouse, before waking up to go work out. Yeah...work out. Sigh. I have a super busy day today and not much time to sleep because tonight begins round two of the lab write-ups. 4 in all, an average of 15 pages each of nice and exciting technical writing, statistically relevant data sets and somewhat confident intervals. Scratch that. I'm not anywhere near a 95 % confidence limit. Last week, during my senior presentation, a professor asked me if I was confident in my data. I was quite frustrated, sleep deprived and delusional at the time and was very tempted to say...sir...I have just spent the last 45 min presenting terrible, non-significant, scientifically painful data gathered from an analytical machine that hates the mere notion of me being in the same building as it, in the nicest most professional and thorough way possible and the one thing you could possibly ask me is do I (after all this) have any confidence in these numbers? I've only told you a thousand ways to china no...could I save just a little bit of my dignity or ya gonna just drive that nail in too. O well, it's only the third time I've had to defend an experiment in which a hundred hours went into it and all I can say is here...look...I can say absolutely nothing that can be backed up by statistics in any way shape or form. I can't even tell you that my error numbers are right. Basically, I spent many hours mashing things up, dumping chemicals on them, blasting them into tubes and waiting for a bump on the screen. Standard strategy for presenting horrible data. Focus on theory and big picture. Make sure you tell them what you could have done with better data or would like to do in the event more time were available to you. Sigh. That's it. I love science.

One Art

One Art

The art of losing isn't hard to master;
so many things seem filled with the intent
to be lost that their loss is no disaster.

Lose something every day. Accept the fluster
of lost door keys, the hour badly spent.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

Then practice losing farther, losing faster:
places, and names, and where it was you meant
to travel. None of these will bring disaster.

I lost my mother's watch. And look! my last, or
next-to-last, of three loved houses went.
The art of losing isn't hard to master.

I lost two cities, lovely ones. And, vaster,
some realms I owned, two rivers, a continent.
I miss them, but it wasn't a disaster.

---Even losing you (the joking voice, a gesture
I love) I shan't have lied. It's evident
the art of losing's not too hard to master
though it may look like (WRITE IT !) like disaster.


-- Elizabeth Bishop





Every time I read this it becomes a little more intriguing and powerful. I have no idea why. I mean, I can resonate with so much of it (especially this year)...but I'm not exactly sure that's why I like it so much. I'm not sure. I think a couple of the things that attract me to this is her practical almost sarcastic approach to a difficult subject; loss. She works through the poem and begins to discover that the things she is losing do actually mean something to her...especially when she starts losing things that are a huge part of her life. She can't act or pretend it away anymore. It is so powerful she has to write it...write it. One of the hardest things to do when thoughts hurt a lot. Taking the time to stay stationary in silence (hardest part right there) and fight the little lingering voices of depression and doubt that incessantly rain blows upon your mind and try to write down the things that hurt, you know, the ones you don't understand is very difficult. Seeing them on paper is two fold. It gives you a certain power over them. Look!, there they are on the paper...I wrote you. I kennen "know" you. I can call you by name. On the other hand, now they are there as a reminder. What you do with that reminder is your game. The written word is powerful. The spoken word is holy. Do both. Marilyn Hacker wrote a poem in response to this one. It's called " Going Back to the River". Read it...took my brain to a crazy place.

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Up Before God Is

I got up at 4:30 this morning; partially because my body doesn't exactly like to sleep anymore and partially because I have this exam thing today...amongst many other things. I determined that if I sat down and tried to study right then I'd be in trouble so I went for walk around pre-dawn beverly-farms. I like bev farms. The only people who were up was the garage owner throwing papers around the office, the paper delivery guys, the gerneral store owner and the dunkin donuts lady. Dunkin donuts opens at 5:00. Needless to say, I was quite pleased by this. Besides the opportunity to have a long needed chat with God, this morning showed me one thing: the pre dawn day is reserved for those who have the biggest hearts, the smallest wallets, and those who truly want to know God. I finally have a glimpse as to why my father has gotten up at 3:45 every day for the past who knows how many centuries (oops years) :) The pre-dawn morning is filled with birds letting loose their cries and squirrels...none too pleased that I was awake and moving about THEIR street. But amongst all this racquet and shouting...I could hear myself and God so much clearer. As the sun came up and the coffee bubbled I knew...that maybe, just maybe through all the crap that has gone on this year and all my wonderful failures and short comings as a student and more importantly a person...I just might learn something. And maybe...just maybe God might pull me through this. I sure won't be winning any awards or getting an all expense paid vacation to grad school, but then again...that's not how my family rolls. Isn't a bad thing...just who we are. We're the people who get up in the morning and pay more attention to the birds than the news. We fight a thousand battles for every step we take.
Everything we're given is straight from God. Not because we're that much better than everyone else, but because we need so much help...it's easier for God to give it to us himself than make us ride around the mountain ridge to get the point. I love my family. And if I keep having mornings like this...I might just understand them eventually.



No, this isn't a picture of beverly farms ( i wish). It's a picture of a lake in Shady Shores, Texas. I was looking around and found it...was awed...and posted it. Thought it to be semi-appropriate. Maybe you will too.

From Yesterday

He’s a stranger to some
And a vision to none
He can never get enough,
Get enough of the one

For a fortune he'd quit
But it’s hard to admit
How it ends and begins
On his face is a map of the world


From yesterday, it’s coming!
From yesterday, the fear!
From yesterday, it calls him
But he doesn't want to read the message here.

On a mountain he sits, not of gold but of shit
through the blood he can learn, see the lifes that he took
From a council of one
He'll decide when he's done with the innocent

On his face is a map of the world.


-30 seconds to mars (From Yesterday

My DNA

The past few weeks I have been working on cloning my cheek cell DNA using PCR. Today, we ran a few gels to determine if we were successful. We sort of were. In this gel you can see "the ladder" well used in quantifying DNA bands. The next five wells contain my DNA. I can't tell you how weird it is to look at that picture and be able to say wow....that's me. That's what makes me. I'm a little suprised that I got as much PCR product as I did. The primers we were using in PCR are linked to the X chromosome...so the female in the group (last five wells) should have 2 to 3 times as many fragments. All in all its not a great gel. Most of the important bands are very faint with poor resolution. We are going to run the gel on a machine made by Li-COR which allows for very long gels to be run with excellent detection. Kind of excited. Tomorrow I have a killer Quantum chemistry exam. If I survive that...well...maybe I'll take a nap.

There will Come Soft Rains

There will come soft rains and the smell of the ground,

And swallows circling with their shimmering sound;

And frogs in the pool singing at night,

And wild plum trees in tremulous white;

Robins will wear their feathery fire,

Whistling their whims on a low fence-wire;

And not one will know of the war, not one

Will care at last when it is done.

Not one would mind, neither bird nor tree,

If mankind perished utterly;

And Spring herself when she woke at dawn

Would scarcely know that we were gone.

Found this poem by Sara Teasdale today and really liked it. The focus on the little things of nature that are often missed and the emphasis that humans are not the be all and end all of things are appealing to me. So often I hear people describing an event or an aspect human or even natural activity as if they completely and fully understand and all its implications...history has told us otherwise. I like that this poem forced me to slow down and remember that with everything thing that is going on God has given me a gift, painted me an ever-shifting masterpiece and seen to it that my appreciation for it stays strong. Why do I so often lose sight of the simple things God has given?

New Logo

A friend and I worked to put this together the other day. I like it. Says volumes about what my life has been for the past 8 months.

Google TISP

I know it has been waaay too long since I've last posted. My life is so crazy right now there isn't much time for...anything really. I am going to start posting again hopefully. It's a great distraction from anything school related.

I'll start with Google's april fools joke. I thought this was amazing. Check it out:


Google Press Release


How TISP Works

I really appreciate the trouble they go through just to give people a laugh. Made my day.

SNOW: WARNING...may cover roads...no...really?

We're supposed to get a caboshee of snow tonight. Despite this news, I remain skeptical. It is most definately coming to the middle of February and we have very little snow. Pathetic. My snowshoes have been sitting idle for far too long. They need to feel the white powder beneath their wax laden straps soon. If they don't they might start walking around on there own...this would be interesting to say the least. Anyway, I'm content at the moment. Snow is coming. Got a haircut from a friend. I just had a really good game of racquet ball which made my legs just about fall off, as well as, a great dinner with close friend that put a smile on my face that I didn't see coming. Now I'm sitting at a buds place on an amazingly comfortable couch writing a lab on protein spectrophotometry. On my right, my lab partner. Further right, a brother relaxing with some WoW. To my left another bud pluckin' some soul inspiring tunes on the larrive'e. So what if I'm behind in my work, have no idea what I'm doing with my life, and can't get my life in any semblance of order. I'm with people who care. Learning and living. I may fail out of gordon...but right now the only thing that hurts is my back. Let the snow fall. Danielle is ready and waiting for a chance to fly through snow again. Been far too long.


Ponderism for the Day:

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

∆H-T∆S=blaaaaah

The past few days I've just been trying to get on with the business of living whilst trying to process a lot of things in my head. Surprisingly, this is a difficult task. It's like taking all your regrets, hopes, wishes, dreams, fears, ambitions, and insecurities...stacking them up on a platter...then putting them in a chamber of reality gas at pressure P(i). Letting that stew for time(t) and measuring P(f). Life is over if ∆P is > P(int) [pressure internal] of the substance on the platter. A final measurement of ∆G is made. Where ∆G = ∆H - T∆S. If ∆G is positive nothing gets done spontaneously. If ∆G is negative...life just might proceed in a forward general direction with a positive general demeanor. Sigh...taking over my life.



O, I found a this on the beach sunday. I'm not sure if its illegal to take a washed up this and put it on your back yard lawn table or not...but until I can find someone that can tell me one way or another...my backyard is under construction.

HA! Victory Is Mine

I am now a fully certified Massachusetts emt. I am so happy I could run around in circles singing the Russian national anthem...but for know I'll go play racket ball. Today is racket ball, work on car, quantum, p-chem, and party. Today could actually be a good day. I've forgotten what those were like. Maybe I can learn again. I might need some help...

Day - 24 {Battle of Redbull vs. The Iced Coffee}

Today have been a very long day...and with a two hour lecture, two more hours of work, then as many hours as I can stay awake of homework after that...it's bound to get longer. I guess my general mood is disappointed. I've lost a lot of respect for a couple people this week which hurts in an odd way. I guess the whole adult thing is too hard for some people. On the other hand I've had several friends really encourage me, call me their brother, and tell me its okay. Those words mean a lot. On sunday, I hung out with a group of friends at a diner and...was able to just have a good time, drop the active defenses and smile. That doesn't happen too often. Then one of them accosted me later as I was walking back to my car and threw me in the cruiser. Some friend huh :) The house rent situation is a mess. The money is coming in late or not at all. I'm gonna chat with the power guys and see what they were told and if I can forestall their cutting my power. Not that I care deeply...my computer has moved from the foremost dependency of my life, the food I eat is often cold anyway, I have plenty of blankets, and rather enjoy having to stop work because I can't see anymore. Sigh...I'm just gonna scrounge up enough money to pay off the rent till the end of the may and go sleep on a buddies couch, or in emery, or somewhere. Maybe not emery...who knows what is floating around in the air in there. Never know what chemical compounds hapless undergrads have let loose. I'm just coming to really appreciate my friends yet again, really missing seeing and hearing others, and just generally ready for someone to drop a nuke into the middle of my so called existence. I guess you could call me prepared...or something. One thing that shocked my pants off this past week is the relationship I have with many of the science professors. Save Dr. David Lee, the new physics prof., I can have rather delightful conversations with a just about all of them. I even got a few of them excited to see me. I'm not entirely sure how I managed this. I'm most definitely not the star student of the class nor the most dynamic. I just sort of realized that many of them tend to smile and stop and talk even when their late for class. Who knows...maybe I just look funny. Off to a lecture, then maybe a quick run to the gym, some homework, then work, then more homework and then...o my favorite time may it come quickly...the sleep...she comes.

Divide & Conquer: EMT

I just recieved authorization from the all acclaimed Massachusette Office of Emergency Medical Services to proceed to the second phase of testing. This means that I passed the first phase of testing (the practical exam I had on the 6th) and am one step closer to being certified to practice ems skills in ma. I was so excited when I got it. It actually looked like a peice of junk mail just like my instructor said it would. It reminds me of one of those credit card checks the credit companies always sends you. It took me a second when I saw it to grasp the significance. I noted that it looked like junkmail...but there was something familiar about my getting an important peice of mail that was supposed to look like junkmail. I also recognized something familiar about the company name, Promissor, I'd seen it somewhere. When my eyes dropped to the "IMPORTANT" line I almost decided it was junkmail. Every peice of junkmail I get is IMPORTANT, DATE SENSITIVE, GREAT OPPORTUNITY, YOUR LAST CHANCE. This time they weren't kidding. I just about let a whoop'n hollar out right there by the mailroom. My day got a little better in the 5 or so seconds it took for me to realize the significance of the letter. Now I just have to schedule and take the written exam. There are those times when its okay to feel like a little boy with a new bb-gun that can take down all sorts of backyard vermin...this is one of them.

There and Back Again

It's been I while since I posted and since I apparently divulge more information about the actual workings of my life here than anywhere else (so I've been told) I figured I would take a break from fixing the house I broke and write about what's been going on in the great big grand life of tyler. I'm sorry if I go on and on, there are lots of things in my head that, kind of like a squirrel in a live trap, will do just about anything to get out.

Christmas break came. I left for home almost a week later than everyone else because I'm special and have way more work to do than could be done by the end of the semester. Some of it still has to be done. Let me tell you...I've never had to go to a professor and plead for mercy before in my life. I'd rather not have to do it again. Anyway, I went home for two weeks. While home I was privileged to be able to spend several days with family of all sorts, celebrate, sing, eat, drink, and just have fun. For Christmas, I got just what I wanted and it was perfect. I didn't want tons of "stuff" and was almost giddy when I looked over everything I got and was amazed that 99% of it would be either in use or used up in the next couple weeks. Simple is good. I was more happy to be home and with my family and friends. Though...I did get the most incredible flashlight I've ever owned. Its the e2L outdoorsman from surefire. I honestly wasn't expecting it at all. I felt kind of sad knowing how much it was but happy at the same time. This flashlight is perfect for the woods...and I dare say it will fit just about any application you put it to. While pale in comparison to my grandfather's woodwork which I was given another peice of this Christmas...the flashlight is really cool. After being home and seeing people...this was the one of the best gifts I got over break, but more so, I was able to spend chunks of time with my best friend nick and his family, and bunches of my other boys who I haven't seen it way to long. We went crazy and had an awesome time. I miss them a lot. On Christmas day, I had several friends text me merry Christmases…that made me so happy. Knowing that I have places that I can go with families who treat my just like mom and dad do means so much to me. I walk in and get hugs from the whole family, fed almost immediately, and asked to stay as long as I want. People mean so much to me. I'm realizing now more than ever its my family and friends that drive me to be something. I've lost sight of that. Its not dreams of glory, money, success, stuff or fame...it's knowing that I can shake the hand of a hardworking gentleman in complete honesty, sincerity and trust. While I have a very very long way to go...I think I know where I'm going. I don’t trust very easily…and if that trust is broken I have a hard time trusting back. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not. Product of my past yeah, conditioned to be a paranoid…unfortunately, afraid to let people in again, considerably, very unhappy with the past 3 years…yes. I am now more than ever learning my weaknesses and being shown who my friends are. A good friend of mine introduced the concept of water brothers to me ( I can’t remember the book) and I’m just finding out how much those people mean to me…and how many I actually had. Praise God for my friends no matter what.
I am sick of things. I'm sick of money, people and tv's. I walked down a street in gloucester yesterday around 20:00 and every single house had at least one tv on...AT LEAST. My goodness...with the exception of an occasional game of football and an episode of the unit every once in a while what in the heck are you watching. It you tell me paris hilton or one of those neo- yuppy home improvement shows…sigh.
I just was given the task of talking with our landlords and their friends today. They drove over from western MA to chat with us. Go figure, I’m the only one that could work being at the house all afternoon into my schedule. Apparently, they’ve been getting all our rent checks late. That’s just awesome. I am embarrssed as all get out. That’s what I get for not dealing with the bills on my own. They also informed me that because of the difficulty with the payments they are transferring all the utilites into nick’s P name. Even better…now three separate people need to get checks. I wasn’t told about that either. I basically haven’heard any of this stuff that greatly affects my life. I heard it from dusty that we were in rough shape and that somebody had to be here to chat with them. They’re not happy at all. I was failry upset after talking to them. What an embarressment. I told them to contact me if this remains a problem and Mrs. Pesce suggested she start shooting the emails to me. This is not what I needed right now. O yeah, I broke the house. I’m not even really exactly how…but I did…and well yeah. Now I get to spend money I don’t have and spend time I shoudn’t have to fix it. Strange, I’m not at all enthusiastic about the house and here I am fixing it AND I got to deal with four rather aggrevated adults asking me why the bills aren’t payed. Why am I always stuck in that place. (Though, I am so grateful for my dad and grandpa for showing me all they did about maintenance and such!) I am getting really sick of all this. Blaah. As long as I’m here the damn bills are going to be paided on time. I’ve gotta start praying…this is just not what I want. My life is a mess enough as it is…I don’t need to be doing this right now. The monthly cost of the the house is pushing 700 and more than likely going to go up once the winter settles in. This is considerably higher than previous estimates and higher than I can support. I migh be able to squeeze enough out of the loans to cover it but that would have me graduating with nothing. I already have nothing to work with really. I owe way to much to way too many people. I would like to get a laptop so I could be other places and get my work done. I don’t work well in the house and am hoping to go places in the next few years of my life so a desktop isn’t what I need, but, its looking like I may not have enough to do it. I hate money.
I spent almost 250 on Danielle this weekend and am looking at spending another 500-600 on more repairs in the next week or two. This weekend her alternator blew and left me with not batery power at all in the middle of 93. My buddy picked up a new battery for me and I limped back to his house. I could have hooked up the cables and charged it but I wasn’t sure what the integrity of the battery was and if a charge would even hold. And, as loving as the guy is he bought a battery at a gas station which is a lot more expensive than normal. O well, I have a gooddependable battery and a spare to jump people with. I swapped out the alternator at his apartment and got her running good. I tested the old one and it was definitely gone. Going to take it back tonight to get my core back. Danielle ate a wrench that night too. Not sure where it went…but I think she spit it out on the road…not sure though. Now I am looking for a shop that will take a look at my front end for me. I’m not terribly gifted on working on the front end. I used to mess up the front end on x-mods so I have a slightly battered history with front ends. I’ve never swapped out a strut before so I’m kind of nervous about doing it myself without a dad or tools and my mechanic is about 8 hours away. I’m pretty sure my transmission is also starting to slip. I want to have them take a look at it for me. If the trany is going I’m screwed. I don’t have the money to buy a new one let alone pay a northshore mechanic to put it in for me. I don’t have many ofther options though. Danielle means a lot to me…I am fully aware that sounds weird but I’ve lived a lot of life in my car. Heck, I’ve literally lived out of her for a long time, carried many friends, and had a lot of hard conversations in her. She’s been my safe place for a long time…when life just sucked I would hop in and go for a drive, alone or with a good friend, and let my brain cool down. There have been a lot of tears put out there…I’m gonna have a rough day when I have to get rid of her. She just rolled 120 last week…was hoping for 150 at least before I had to make another purchase.

My brain is too full for normal function. Despite all the goodness of being home I was hoping these two weeks would help me forget the last 30 or so…yeah no. Not a chance. All I know is that something needs to change. My head pretty much crashed last week and now I’m having trouble getting it to turn over. I need to run away but I’m not allowed. I’ve done enough of that already…no more. There are a lot of things that need to be figured out soon. I just hope I don’t screw up and choose wrong. The words coming out of my head are difficult…I don’t get them. I’m spending to much time trying to figure out if what I’m saying is the truth. But hey….we lie everytime we speak because mere words can’t begin to describe truth. Great…I’ll just shut up then.

Things I’ve learned from the past semester/6 months:
I love carpentry…except when its not my house, then it become a little bit less fun cause now I’m worrying about messing it up.
I’m particular about a lot of things. Weird…never even thought of me being particular before.
I can live out of a car indeffinately providing I can find can shower every few days.
Loaded up office 07 with this format…I really like it. Try it when you get a chance.
I’ve gotten really bad at paying attention to me beyond what I feel now. Of course your exhausted, don’t get all up-tight about why now…look at what you just came through…you can be tired; it’s okay. So you get a week of 8 hours a day of sleeping and are more tired than when you started. Its okay.
Food is good, you should try it every once in a while.
Snow tubing is dangerous when partaken by college age gentlman who just happen to be the ones in charge of a large group of kids. Trust me..don’t go there.
It takes a lot of stress, exhaustion, and emotional drama to bring me down, but when I’m down…I’m down good. If you stab me while I’m down, I stay down waaay longer and really have to struggle to not drop into default.
Turtles can be completely frozen then thawed back out again scott free.
I am going to love working as an emt. Nick tried to plow the mountain clear with his nose. The snow won. I was checking him for signs of concusion, shock, and further trauma before I even knew what I was doing and even drove him to the hospital…in between fits of laughter of course. By the way…don’t ever shatter your nose…its just messy to put back together.
Old ladies don’t react well to people with smashed faces.
There are people who know me better than I think they do. Scary, spent my life being in the business of making sure I knew how well people knew me. But some of the people who should know me better don’t because I won’t let them. How do you stop a defense mechanism locked in place years ago.
I forgot how much I enjoy Pink Floyd and the Blind boys of Alabama.


That’s all for now. There is probably way more to say but I have things that need to be done before it gets completely dark. It is my hope to start posting more frequently as well as including some more poetry bits…as well as just chatting about stuff. I’ll do my best. I love you all and miss you very much.

Smile like you mean it.