Spectre of the Past

I know I've used this title for my sidebar...but it truly carries some meaning for me.

The past is funny. You want so vividly to remember some good thing, some redeeming factor (good or bad) that might validate the state you find yourself currently. The problem with this particular strategy is that you begin to twist the past into funny distorted versions of what actually happened. It is no doubt my past is subject to my bias. I simply refuse to admit there is no limit to my ability to twist it. I've been sifting through hundreds of pages I've saved from the last four years and I've discovered a vicious truth: the past will always change you. Every time you look back at it a little piece of you changes. With every AIM conversation I've saved, with every frantically scribbled page your perception changes from one of calm composed reflectance to truly regretful determination. The table turns now. I search desperately for a clue that I'm not the person that wrote those scribbled letters. That man who tried so hard to make the people he cared for understand that things weren't as simple as they appeared. Every solemn accusation and every word of hurt rings true as it ever did. If your not careful those words will drag you right back to the very time they were written. Those blurring moments when you walked out of an exam you know bent you over the table or even those sweaty palms that were left tightly gripping the pillow that was just thrown at you in contemptuous disgust.

Quite simply, if you get lost in the moments you can't do anything about then you've doomed any hope of a future where those moments aren't created. The past will change you. Every time you look back at it. Flowery moments of fleeting grace. Every blistering regret must be dealt with and sent away. Don't fear your past. It's the easiest way to drive over the same cliff you just spent the last 4 years climbing out of.

Personally, I'd rather only find out what my body does when I reach the bottom once.
So, I toss the papers that only feed the fuel of my despondence and learn from every puff of smoke as they waft away. The lessons are what you must carry.

Business Trips

Two weeks ago I encountered my first business trip. Haas sent me to Milford CT to become certified as a quality rep by Sikorsky helicopter. Rather, my official title just added "Designated Quality Representative for Sikorsky Helicopter Systems of United Technologies Corporation". What all of that foolishness actually means is I spent three days in a brand new hotel that charges 11 dollars for a bagel, sat through 24 hours of some of the most cumbersome, dry, and monstrously frustrating slides of detail after detail and thanked God for my ample imagination. I always knew the precision manufacture industry could be dry. These last few days enlightened me to a much more discouraging level. An example: Of the 150 reps in attendance, I was at least 10 years the junior of the rooms average age. I had the least complicated phone with, apparently, the least amount of desire to continually use it. Most amusingly, I was one of about ten people in the entire room I ever saw smile. In fact, my table of 8 were considered outcasts of the entire room...we laughed. During one project in which we had to decipher complicated spec drawings in groups, my table was stared at by every person in the room at least twice. A great feeling...really.

In short, I was sent to gain a title so I could be taught to do something completely unrelated. Bizarre I know. Just move on. What I gained from this experience was interestingly valuable. Firstly, I learned how you write down the instructions to assemble ultra precise flying machines. Levels upon levels of redundant instructions encumbered with often 6 separated quality checks or more come together in the thousands to build one section of a helicopter. Secondly, business trips are fun. Your shoved in a room full of people who'd rather be texting or managing and be given the privilege of watching them squirm as they try to make everyone think they already know this stuff. Positively entertaining.

Lastly, I learned that I enjoy learning. I enjoy creating knowledge. Making connections between multiple pieces of information that build together to make something completely different. This business trip freed me up to do just that. I was in attendance for the simple purpose to be given a title...not to retain any significant process or requirement. From this perspective, I was able to approach the subject and presentations my own way with my own questions. I didn't feel pressured to remember everything. Don't get me wrong. I now have rather good assembly of knowledge regarding industry and Sikorsky standards. I simply achieved that end result differently. I went in looking for ways to utilize the classes in my career, at Haas and beyond. A lesson I really wish I had picked up before college.

Here's to looking forward to more business trips full of golden bagels and unhappy manufacturers.