There and Back Again

It's been I while since I posted and since I apparently divulge more information about the actual workings of my life here than anywhere else (so I've been told) I figured I would take a break from fixing the house I broke and write about what's been going on in the great big grand life of tyler. I'm sorry if I go on and on, there are lots of things in my head that, kind of like a squirrel in a live trap, will do just about anything to get out.

Christmas break came. I left for home almost a week later than everyone else because I'm special and have way more work to do than could be done by the end of the semester. Some of it still has to be done. Let me tell you...I've never had to go to a professor and plead for mercy before in my life. I'd rather not have to do it again. Anyway, I went home for two weeks. While home I was privileged to be able to spend several days with family of all sorts, celebrate, sing, eat, drink, and just have fun. For Christmas, I got just what I wanted and it was perfect. I didn't want tons of "stuff" and was almost giddy when I looked over everything I got and was amazed that 99% of it would be either in use or used up in the next couple weeks. Simple is good. I was more happy to be home and with my family and friends. Though...I did get the most incredible flashlight I've ever owned. Its the e2L outdoorsman from surefire. I honestly wasn't expecting it at all. I felt kind of sad knowing how much it was but happy at the same time. This flashlight is perfect for the woods...and I dare say it will fit just about any application you put it to. While pale in comparison to my grandfather's woodwork which I was given another peice of this Christmas...the flashlight is really cool. After being home and seeing people...this was the one of the best gifts I got over break, but more so, I was able to spend chunks of time with my best friend nick and his family, and bunches of my other boys who I haven't seen it way to long. We went crazy and had an awesome time. I miss them a lot. On Christmas day, I had several friends text me merry Christmases…that made me so happy. Knowing that I have places that I can go with families who treat my just like mom and dad do means so much to me. I walk in and get hugs from the whole family, fed almost immediately, and asked to stay as long as I want. People mean so much to me. I'm realizing now more than ever its my family and friends that drive me to be something. I've lost sight of that. Its not dreams of glory, money, success, stuff or fame...it's knowing that I can shake the hand of a hardworking gentleman in complete honesty, sincerity and trust. While I have a very very long way to go...I think I know where I'm going. I don’t trust very easily…and if that trust is broken I have a hard time trusting back. I’m not sure if this is a good thing or not. Product of my past yeah, conditioned to be a paranoid…unfortunately, afraid to let people in again, considerably, very unhappy with the past 3 years…yes. I am now more than ever learning my weaknesses and being shown who my friends are. A good friend of mine introduced the concept of water brothers to me ( I can’t remember the book) and I’m just finding out how much those people mean to me…and how many I actually had. Praise God for my friends no matter what.
I am sick of things. I'm sick of money, people and tv's. I walked down a street in gloucester yesterday around 20:00 and every single house had at least one tv on...AT LEAST. My goodness...with the exception of an occasional game of football and an episode of the unit every once in a while what in the heck are you watching. It you tell me paris hilton or one of those neo- yuppy home improvement shows…sigh.
I just was given the task of talking with our landlords and their friends today. They drove over from western MA to chat with us. Go figure, I’m the only one that could work being at the house all afternoon into my schedule. Apparently, they’ve been getting all our rent checks late. That’s just awesome. I am embarrssed as all get out. That’s what I get for not dealing with the bills on my own. They also informed me that because of the difficulty with the payments they are transferring all the utilites into nick’s P name. Even better…now three separate people need to get checks. I wasn’t told about that either. I basically haven’heard any of this stuff that greatly affects my life. I heard it from dusty that we were in rough shape and that somebody had to be here to chat with them. They’re not happy at all. I was failry upset after talking to them. What an embarressment. I told them to contact me if this remains a problem and Mrs. Pesce suggested she start shooting the emails to me. This is not what I needed right now. O yeah, I broke the house. I’m not even really exactly how…but I did…and well yeah. Now I get to spend money I don’t have and spend time I shoudn’t have to fix it. Strange, I’m not at all enthusiastic about the house and here I am fixing it AND I got to deal with four rather aggrevated adults asking me why the bills aren’t payed. Why am I always stuck in that place. (Though, I am so grateful for my dad and grandpa for showing me all they did about maintenance and such!) I am getting really sick of all this. Blaah. As long as I’m here the damn bills are going to be paided on time. I’ve gotta start praying…this is just not what I want. My life is a mess enough as it is…I don’t need to be doing this right now. The monthly cost of the the house is pushing 700 and more than likely going to go up once the winter settles in. This is considerably higher than previous estimates and higher than I can support. I migh be able to squeeze enough out of the loans to cover it but that would have me graduating with nothing. I already have nothing to work with really. I owe way to much to way too many people. I would like to get a laptop so I could be other places and get my work done. I don’t work well in the house and am hoping to go places in the next few years of my life so a desktop isn’t what I need, but, its looking like I may not have enough to do it. I hate money.
I spent almost 250 on Danielle this weekend and am looking at spending another 500-600 on more repairs in the next week or two. This weekend her alternator blew and left me with not batery power at all in the middle of 93. My buddy picked up a new battery for me and I limped back to his house. I could have hooked up the cables and charged it but I wasn’t sure what the integrity of the battery was and if a charge would even hold. And, as loving as the guy is he bought a battery at a gas station which is a lot more expensive than normal. O well, I have a gooddependable battery and a spare to jump people with. I swapped out the alternator at his apartment and got her running good. I tested the old one and it was definitely gone. Going to take it back tonight to get my core back. Danielle ate a wrench that night too. Not sure where it went…but I think she spit it out on the road…not sure though. Now I am looking for a shop that will take a look at my front end for me. I’m not terribly gifted on working on the front end. I used to mess up the front end on x-mods so I have a slightly battered history with front ends. I’ve never swapped out a strut before so I’m kind of nervous about doing it myself without a dad or tools and my mechanic is about 8 hours away. I’m pretty sure my transmission is also starting to slip. I want to have them take a look at it for me. If the trany is going I’m screwed. I don’t have the money to buy a new one let alone pay a northshore mechanic to put it in for me. I don’t have many ofther options though. Danielle means a lot to me…I am fully aware that sounds weird but I’ve lived a lot of life in my car. Heck, I’ve literally lived out of her for a long time, carried many friends, and had a lot of hard conversations in her. She’s been my safe place for a long time…when life just sucked I would hop in and go for a drive, alone or with a good friend, and let my brain cool down. There have been a lot of tears put out there…I’m gonna have a rough day when I have to get rid of her. She just rolled 120 last week…was hoping for 150 at least before I had to make another purchase.

My brain is too full for normal function. Despite all the goodness of being home I was hoping these two weeks would help me forget the last 30 or so…yeah no. Not a chance. All I know is that something needs to change. My head pretty much crashed last week and now I’m having trouble getting it to turn over. I need to run away but I’m not allowed. I’ve done enough of that already…no more. There are a lot of things that need to be figured out soon. I just hope I don’t screw up and choose wrong. The words coming out of my head are difficult…I don’t get them. I’m spending to much time trying to figure out if what I’m saying is the truth. But hey….we lie everytime we speak because mere words can’t begin to describe truth. Great…I’ll just shut up then.

Things I’ve learned from the past semester/6 months:
I love carpentry…except when its not my house, then it become a little bit less fun cause now I’m worrying about messing it up.
I’m particular about a lot of things. Weird…never even thought of me being particular before.
I can live out of a car indeffinately providing I can find can shower every few days.
Loaded up office 07 with this format…I really like it. Try it when you get a chance.
I’ve gotten really bad at paying attention to me beyond what I feel now. Of course your exhausted, don’t get all up-tight about why now…look at what you just came through…you can be tired; it’s okay. So you get a week of 8 hours a day of sleeping and are more tired than when you started. Its okay.
Food is good, you should try it every once in a while.
Snow tubing is dangerous when partaken by college age gentlman who just happen to be the ones in charge of a large group of kids. Trust me..don’t go there.
It takes a lot of stress, exhaustion, and emotional drama to bring me down, but when I’m down…I’m down good. If you stab me while I’m down, I stay down waaay longer and really have to struggle to not drop into default.
Turtles can be completely frozen then thawed back out again scott free.
I am going to love working as an emt. Nick tried to plow the mountain clear with his nose. The snow won. I was checking him for signs of concusion, shock, and further trauma before I even knew what I was doing and even drove him to the hospital…in between fits of laughter of course. By the way…don’t ever shatter your nose…its just messy to put back together.
Old ladies don’t react well to people with smashed faces.
There are people who know me better than I think they do. Scary, spent my life being in the business of making sure I knew how well people knew me. But some of the people who should know me better don’t because I won’t let them. How do you stop a defense mechanism locked in place years ago.
I forgot how much I enjoy Pink Floyd and the Blind boys of Alabama.


That’s all for now. There is probably way more to say but I have things that need to be done before it gets completely dark. It is my hope to start posting more frequently as well as including some more poetry bits…as well as just chatting about stuff. I’ll do my best. I love you all and miss you very much.

Smile like you mean it.