Finals...

Physical Chemistry: Proudly promoting masochism since 1852.




pchem:
so the chemistry gets physical,
and nothin 'bout it's whimsical,
kinetics, reaction mechanisms abound-
not to mention thermo all around-
maxwell and boltzman, they're so cool,
and memorizing equations makes me drool...

the end....

-cass





Exams just suck everybit of joy, happiness, grace, mercy, H20, O2, CO2, ADP, NADPH, phosphofructokinase, transcriptase inhibitors, midaclorians, thinkymajiggas, doo dadds, and....and...and...crap....WHAT'S LEFT!!!

A really good buddy came down for the weekend. We met up with some other boys from home and went crazy. Possibly the best weekend I've had in a long time. We hung out at the house a bit and actually had a great time. One of the members of the apt wasn't around, so the rest of us and my buddy from home did dinner Friday night, got some work done on Saturday and just relaxed. Haven't been able to relax at home for a long time. It was great. Sunday, I went on my ride along for EMS and it was amazing. I spent 5 hours with two of the most amazing EMT's I've ever met. We went on two calls, transported two patients, and was allowed to do just about everything they needed. I took my first blood pressure, patient lift procedure, first handoff, first MVA, first medical, first time bombing down main streets on the north shore with lights blarring....and had three really awesome talks with EMT's about the job, the future and really everything. It was the first time in well....3 or so months that I looked ahead and saw something that made me happy and actually put aside the past few weeks and months...if only for a few hours. Anyway, my brain and body are overwhelmed and exhausted. I'm trying not to think about all the work, decisions, plans, conversations that pretty much have to happen this weekend...but...sigh.

It's not for nothing that He holds the sword.

The end has come....

I have now completely severed my ties with BankNorth. With the shredding of my very first credit card, the money snorffing detritus feeding BankNorth has lost its unyielding rule of tyranny over my soul. Faithful citizens flood the streets in delirious celebration. Like the book burnings of old, green logo laden bank statements are sent to the heavens riding waves of flame sent out from furious fires on every street corner. BankNorth loyal bankers are dragged from their homes and out from behind reinforced banking counters by deleterious hordes armed with bundles of overpriced check books paired with reams of check registers with which to pummel their heartless victims. In days the fires will die down leaving only a precious few remaining copies of the unspeakable BankNorth's logo displayed, under heavy armed guard, in the main building of the Ministry of Truth. So that all might remember the horrible malignant corporation known best by its heretical use of Islamic green. No more fooling faithful followers into the whorish pseudo-oasis like waiting rooms. BankNorth...your rule is OVER.


Funny thing is. When I called to cancel I was ready for knock-out drag-out fight with the customer rep. All she said was, "O, may ask the reason? That's fine, I hope we can be of service to you in the future. " Sigh, no rebuttals, no pestering counter offers, no "inconvenienced" customer reps and no transferring to more diligent managers just...sorry, have a nice day. Talk about wind right out of the ol' proverbial sails on that one.

Ramblings of a De-Population Manager #1

so good. Here we are. The US just passed 300 million people a week or so ago. The rate for the US population growth sits at something like one baby every 45 seconds. The world now sits at ~ 6.5 billion people with a growth rate of ~1.14%. Now stop and think a second. With this growth rate the doubling time for human population on the earth is 61 years. Just about the time I'm read to swap gears and start hanging out with lots of other old boys on each other's porches and chat about the world and whatever else the world's population would have doubled. DOUBLED. 9000 human beings are being added to the planet every hour!

There are way too many people now! Current human consumption of natural resources exceeds available productive land by 30%. We are over our safe margin my 30%!! Global consumptions are larger than global carrying capacity by 1/3. We are way into ecological overshot territory. Humans have blown past the sustainable limit and we are now living off the equity in our house. Living off the future, taking another mortgage assuming we can pay it off…living on borrowed time at the expense of those who come after us. We need to start looking for Atlantis or researching plate tectonics so we can start pushing out new continents or we're in trouble. Interestingly, the US isn't the country popping kids out of motion sensor doors the fastest. In fact, US fertility rates are dropping toward our replenishing rate while fertility rates in many third world countries are exploding. Europe's fertility/ population growth rates are, in contrast, dropping. Germany's native growth rate is actually negative. If it was not for immigration from eastern Europe and the middle east, Germany would be shrinking. It is interesting to see how population growth rotates around the globe while as a whole continuously contributing to global population growth. It is a very dynamic growth pattern...albeit severely depressing...interesting.

Another thought:

Half of the people in developing nations and 10-15% of people in developed nations are classified as poor; poor being the inability to afford food, shelter and clothing. Kind of makes that $80 dollar pair of designer jeans seem a little…itchy.

All of this just goes to prove the importance of my position as de-population manager. I will start first by instituting the following form of birthcontrol in all restrooms around the US, China, Japan, and India.

goin' nowhere...

IT goofs

So today my favorite network admins went to install a new peice of hardware onto the gordon college system. It was some sort of storage hot swap drive I think. Well, brian came over and picked up the drive from the cet at about 10:10, at about 10:20 every network storage drive the campus has was smoking. Our total network storage is now currently at 1.44mb, the size of the floppy disk chris just went bombing over to mac with in his hand. Every day I'm just amazed by the absolute proficiency of our network admins. They just burned thousands of dollars of equipment and managed to bring down both the campus and public web sites in the process. They just created hours of work for me as I get to tell every person on campus that yes...there are indeed issues. Sigh...let's give a big round of applaus for our gordon college network admins.

The EMT Class Traumatized

So, I'm in this EMT class and we're finally doing trauma after weeks and weeks of medical. Today we did upper extremity splinting. This poor individual here (one of the house mates) has just been subjected to my incredibly amazing splinting/slinging skills immobilizing a wrist break {no actual house mates were harmed in this activity}. It was actually a pretty good class. I am really enjoying the hands on work. I get easily distracted sitting in classrooms for hours upon end. When I can get out and practice the skills that I'm actually going to be using I can focus and learn much better. I wish all the rest of my classes where this way. From the look on this guy's face, I think we're going to be the medics making stops very similar to this ALS crew I saw yesterday. I hope that when I grow up to be a medic that I get to make frequent...umm...stops during my shifts. Who knows...maybe they give discounts to medics. That would be amazing.

November Life

Gordon College is amazing. In the span of one year we have somehow managed to be blocked by major online companies at various points of time; Newegg, Hotmail, eBay, Yahoo and Comcast. How does no one see this as a problem? My goodness...someone please save me from mike binns and his cronies. Why why why do I work here?

I had to turn down a request to give a friend a jump today because my favorite boss wouldn't let me leave work for 20 min...sigh. First time ever turning down a jump call. I'm turning into a horrible friend...GAAA!!!

Been trying to find a solution to my video card problem. I bought a new one a year ago hoping that it would last me for 4 years or so...I got exactly a year out of it. I've found several cards that should give me the versatility needed for the desktop for at least another 3 or 4 years but that's a lot of money. I'm not doing a lot of gaming so spending this much on a card seems kind of pointless. Despite the fact that right now I sort of need a computer to do what I need to do I'm kind of in a bind. I've thought about selling the desktop and just swapping for a laptop. I would get the simplicity and versatility I want. I guess I still have the softspot in my heart for my machine. Let's give it another month and see then. So, I don't have 130 bucks to spend on anything computery. So many more useful things I would like to spend money on if I had any. Like a new internal frame pack, artic bag, or whisper stove. Dang it...why don't I have money? Why do I feel like I have to spend money? I don't want to buy things. I hate buying things. Spending anything over 10 bucks on myself feels wrong and twitches something deep down. Drives me nuts. Spending money on other people I can do, but for some reason I loathe doing it on me; even if it is something legitimate and useful. I hate it...even if it's stuff I need or would be able to put to good use. Sigh... For now I'll just keep spending money on food, gas and books. I'll figure the rest out as I go along. For now I'm gonna risk the 12 bucks to ship this back to powercolor and hope they'll give me a new one.

I was an idiot and forgot to request an absentee ballot soon enough. For some reason it takes longer than a week to mail a ballot from home. In essence, I've just completely overlooked one of my most precious responsibilities as a citizen of this country. I've pretty much toyed all day with driving home tonight, voting, taking a quick nap, then driving back here for my emt class at 18:30. I almost did. Here I sit. A sucky citizen.

I wish it wasn't illegal to shoot condescending people. I just happen to know a few.

I'm done with dunkin donuts and coke. They kill kids.

Napalm sticks to kids -Jn . My new favorite phrase.

Been looking at dragons. Hopefully, this saturday I'm going to head up to Springfield and chat with the owner. The only question is...do I get one dragon...or two:) I want to grow mine big enough to eat cats. Speaking of cats...I rocked one out my bedroom window with the airsoft G18c today. It was amazing. It was something I've never done before Put 4 rds into a cat whilist standing in my room talking to an overtly persistent Indian credit card salesman suffering from a cold. Something new everyday...

Here's to wishing I was anywhere but this house, but this shore....

Good ol' Maine

Maine State Constitution Article I, Section 16

Every citizen has a right to keep and bear arms and this right shall never be questioned.

That's it. That's all it takes. Simple. Sweet. Effective. I like Maine.

Into the fire with you dunderhead.

Here I am sitting in a class, knowing that maybe I should actually want to pay attention. I mean...its environmental science. It's a really interesting subject! So many things you could do with it. Anywhere from learning about environment impact and how North Americans are pretty much retarded to learning about how to live off the land with minimal impact. Despite the potential...we're not really learning what I want. We're talking about over population right now. I already have my solution to this problem...most people don't like my solution but o well. By golly I'm not depopulation manager for nothing. I feel like this is a problem, but it isn't something I can do anything about right now. I want to learn about practical things that I can help get moving to make a difference. Stop telling me how bad things are all over the place. Tell me how to make a difference, how to build a mindset that is constantly aware of the natural world around me. Teach me how to farm without the need of chemicals. Teach me how to build a diesel engine converstion kit to biodiesel. Teach me how to train farmers how to care for their land and not farm it into nothing. This frustration, leads to me being discouraged...then I get bored....and wind up here typing on the blog looking up random things of interest [which is where the lobster and mushroom came from]. This just happens to be a theme I'm afraid. At the moment, I have so much work to do, so much that I really have to struggle to understand in my classes that if I were to ever get this all done I need a semi-solid or at least an understood environment. Yup...pretty much don't have that so I'm under fire from both sides. On top of that I'm making some changes in my head...and that throws any other aspect of stability I might have all out the window. My friends, who I would look to for stability, are going through changes themselves and interaction is sporadic and most of the time confusing. To wrap it all up I'm getting sick. We'll see how this semester goes. I have learned a ton about myself though. I can completely exist and function (albeit at a minimal level) out of my car without any real base. I never realized just how much work matters. Not homework mind you but job work. I'm not making nearly enough money to pay all the bills, but it gives me something that I'm actually good at. I realized yesterday that the CET is actually the only thing keeping me alive and here. Kind of a frightening realization if you ask me. That one thing could keep you standing. I'm rediscovering that I really need minutes where I can sit down, be outside, kick back, and enjoy life. I don't do constantly busy environments. I can handle lots of work, but not places where people aren't happy with themselves and running running running. I need environments where they test me physically, where I see the problem, address it, and cut through it. Only problem is I can't do that when I can't see the problem. These are still thoughts in my head and I'm not even sure they mean anything.

Anyhow:
friends are coming tomorrow
mom left for Guatemala today {she beat me out of the county...wtf}
tons of p-chem due this week
registration was yesterday
no idea what I'm doing with my life
just spent a ton of money I don't have getting ready for this winter

Half Cooked Lobsters and Bioluminescent Mushrooms

I was rooting around online today looking for interesting tidbits of fun stuff and found a couple articles that just made me happy.

Lobster Caught "Half Cooked" in Maine

This lobster was live caught by a Maine lobsterman. I have never seen a live redish colored lobster ever and was just amazed. Unfortunately, their not going to cook this one so we can't find out how a genetic oddball lobster tastes.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/07/060720-lobster-photo.html

New Glowing Mushrooms Found in Brazil

Glowing mushrooms in the rainforest. How can you not eat these. I mean...come on! What happens if I eat them and I glow! That'd be awesome. My only question is how exactly has no one discovered these yet? They freaking glow in the dark!

and remember kids....
All mushrooms are edible, but some...only once.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2006/10/061026-fungi-glow.html


Tybo is a steller bread baker...
-steph

Street Gang In Maine

This is why the violent crime rate in Maine is so low....nobody wants to butt in on these guys' turf. Especially with mom on lead.

Going to crash hard this weekend. I have a ton of work to do but probably going to sleep all weekend. We'll see. I will post more this weekend, but the body is hollering at me to sleep. I sleep for 6 hours, am fine for two, then fall asleep at work, go somewhere and sleep for a little while, good for two hours, then fall asleep in class, sleep for a half hour, start some hw, then fall asleep on my p-chem book. Getting annoying.

Home again! Home again! Jiggety-Jig

I'm home. Huge med exam tonight, great big huge p-chem exam tomorrow and through next week. I will post about my amazing adventures maybe tonight if I think the distraction is beneficial. Other than that...I'm just not gonna sleep.

Leaving for ID tomorrow

Here I sit.
6 P-chem Hw sets behind,
P-chem in class exam wednesday
P-chem take home exam wednesday
PL exam tomorrow
PL paper due tomorrow
Money running low
Safe places running out
Sanity a long way off

but,

I get to see my best friend tomorrow
and fly on my first jet
hang out with an amazing family
spend time with real people
heal a little, relax a little
get a good hug
and finally...maybe...be able to have some fun

somehow somehow somehow hold together

here's to chillin' on a mountain sharing the outhouse with friends and big game.
living in the trees where i should be.
will i...should i come back?

Gott sein Freitag danken

Hey everyone. I lost my usb2.0 to mini enhanced cable so the pics on my camera are stuck there for a bit until i find it. This is the problem living mainly out of your car/ friend's places...so many more options for places to lose things. Which is bad...especially now. I have a ton of work to do and no time to do it...so it might be later this weekend before I can post again. Brandon and I might disappear into the woods for a while this weekend I think. Necessary abondonment if you will. Anyhow, I'll keep you posted.

Where not doing biology anymore dorothy....

Last tuesday, I had the great pleasure of participating in physical chemistry lab. Thermodynamic Physical chemistry is the study of molecular level interactions and how they affect macroscopic results. We study in some depth the behavior of matter and the transformation between different forms of energy. Our task for this lab is to measure the potential energy of a piece of pizza and compare the energy content found between supreme and meat lovers. I am sure this is not a question most people just come up with at random. Only a thermodynamic chemist with waaay too much time on his hands could come up with this one. O well.

In order to measure this potential energy...you have to release it. What better way then blow it up? The instrument used to do this is...yes...called a bomb. Some chemist decided that his job was so exceptionally boring that he decided to name a piece of equipment in his lab something daring and exciting to increase the..."romantic" appeal. So, he named a cup in a bucket with a 200 dollar thermometer a bomb. Sigh. Basically, the bomb, the pic to the right, is placed in a tin bucket full of water. This assembly is then placed in a bigger bucket so as to best simulate a closed thermodynamic system. A dried, compressed pellet of sample is placed under O2 pressure in the bomb contacting a small piece of ignition wire. [Da Bomb]
When the time comes, high current is passed through the wire and the pellet is combusted. As the heat moves out of the bomb it passes into the water surrounding it. This temperature change is measured very precisely and can be used to determine the total energy content of the sample. It doesn't even really blow up...it doesn't even sound cool. You get all psyched up for something cause your pushing the go button on a peice of equipment called an Oxygen BOMB calorimeter and then....nothing. Besides the emotional let down you may be wondering what's so bad about this lab.[Me and the ~200 dollar thermometer.] In the four hours we were in lab, we were only able to complete one of our 3 trials. [Me and the ~200 dollar thermometer]
If this isn't frustrating I don't even know what is. By the end I was about ready to take the whole darn thing and throw it down the fire escape. If one of our runs is an incomplete combustion so help me...I hope there isn't anyone actually using the fire escape right about then.

Don't get me wrong...it is kind of amusing that I can now tell you exactly how much energy is in this piece of pizza but....

I made a realization today. I have finally crossed the line from biology to chemistry. Many of my chem classes prior to this semester have been occupied by biologists from various disciplines. This class, P-chem, is the first class not at all designed to be somewhat condusive to a biological student. The wierd part of it is...I'm not so sure I like it. It's a fact that I am not happy with physical chemistry...this much I know. No one in their right mind needs a thermometer that you read through a magnifying class. You couldn't find a biologist within a mile of this thing. Except of course my lab partner who is the psychotic double major below. This thermometer can be read to the thousandths place. What the heck? I don't need to know that the water inside the bomb is .043 degrees off from room temperature and slowly coming to equilibrium. I...don't...care. I am now coming to the conclusion that spending the rest of my life putting 10 hours a day everyday inside of a lab would, for all intensive purposes, mess me up. I definately still love science...just not the kind where you get to stare at numbers all day and look longingly out the window at the real world. Looking back on my class history, I can see that most of the bio classes I took were really easy for me...and the most of the chem classes I took I had to fight through.....umm....crap? Where was my head? Have I been toying with so the wrong career? Sigh...

Here I go; There I go; Everywhere I go go!

Luckily for me the sun was shining when I woke up this morning. So, my splitting headache had a reason to run away to a more weather burdened high stress individual. Unfortunately, my homework does not share this sentiment. I have enough work to do today to keep me going till ground hogs day at least...if not the forth of july. I' m now going through the list of things and attempting to determine just what I can not do and still pass. I know this is dangerous in more ways than one, but upon the recent discovery that my body/brain is so not geared right now to walk in the halls of academia damage control and preemptive strike patterns are my primary focus. I have plenty to distract me: good friends far away, no money, lots of bills, not really sleeping, forgetting that I can say no (yeah, got that lecture again last night...you'd think I would learn), steady discoveries of who I used to be and remembering who much I loved it, constant reminders of things I would love to leave behind, and constant realizations that when I do I will have lost...when you leave things behind you don't learn from them. The strength is in walking the distance to understanding and "grok'ing" if you will. Anyone can run the course; it takes strength and a little stupidity to walk it. When you've walked the path, been cut up, burned up and hurt, you step back and learn from it and become that much stronger.

On a lighter note I can't seem to keep my pants on. They almost fell off walking to emery yesterday. This is a problem. I put another hole in the belt which has proven largely ineffective. I'm running out of belt...is this good?

Crimson at a Distance

Crimson at a Distance
(revision 2; 9/15/06)

The front has been held, but only by the blood of those most precious. Tired soldiers gaze the gaze of indifference as the ground again rumbles with the enemies renewed offensive. One soldier; battered, bloodied, broken...kneels beside his gently rested rifle and bades his eyes to once again shield him from vistas of death. Marrow laden blood seeps from wounds that won't seem to heal. Air laden with the smell of sweat and fear pass resolutely through his lungs. Spirit torn, heart held together by precious tendrils of love given freely together shiver quietly in the wake of pounding fire. Bullets scream around him, but they find no refuge from their ballistic torment here in this ragged life. Even bullets respect sacrifice.

Few men have seen the true horrors this soldier's eyes have partaken. Few felt the rip of pure agony when brother after brother fell beside him, for him. Many more would feel the shocking pain of betrayal before the whims of wise men were satisfied. Dawn caressed open weary tear laden eyes. Only the reassuring hand of a rallying co patriot returned life to the young soldier's limbs. Perhaps this day he would yield. Perhaps this day he would find peace along with his squandered kin. For now, bitter hate and helpless confusion are safely set aside for cold efficient execution.

One round for one life. No longer do his eyes shutter as the concussion roles from the barrel. Unwavering, he chooses each target with his blazing reticule. With little effort he aims for his kill zone and puts to rest another tortured soul. Steaming shells bear his malice. As foe after foe meet the plane of his rifle only one hope remains: that his life be enough to buy those who gave, another chance at freedom.

-Ty

Where am I?

For those of you desperately wondering what happened to me...well here's why. No, I haven't disappeared, at least not yet, just been insanely busy. My schedule looks kind of like this:

Monday
Work: 8:00 - 11:20
philosophy Klass: 11:25 - 12:25
Environmental Science Klass : 14:10 - 15:10
Physical Chemistry Klass: 15:20 - 16:20
Senior Sem: 16:30 - 17:30

Tuesday
Physical Chemistry Lab: 13:15 - 16:15
EMT-B: 18:30 - 22:30

Wednesday
Work: 8:00 - 11:20
philosophy Klass: 11:25 - 12:25
Environmental Science Klass : 14:10 - 15:10
Physical Chemistry Klass: 15:20 - 16:20

Thursday
Work: 11:25 - 13:30
Senior Tech Meeting: 13:30 - 14:30
EMT-B: 18:30 - 22:30

Friday
Work: 8:00 - 11:20
philosophy Klass: 11:25 - 12:25
Environmental Science Klass : 14:10 - 15:10
Physical Chemistry Klass: 15:20 - 16:20
Chemical Biology Tea: 16:30 - 17:30

Somewhere in here is the time required for the wonderful tons of homework, extra admin duties at the CET, meetings and pulling hair out sections. I already have a great case of chronic senioritis...this is bad. Combine that with 4ish hours of sleep a night this should be an interesting semester. If I have somehow neglected you please know that it was most definitely not on purpose. I have a habit of filling up my days. I've gotten really good at it. I'm not really impressed at this fact, but I have friends working to break me of this habit. Please don't think I don't want to hang out. Just keep trying, you'll catch me free one of these days.

Progress?

I haven't been able to post for a while due to my computer being all retarded. Classes started last night with my CPR-Pro class which was amazing. Today looks to be much hectic, confusing, exhausting, totally lacking in free food and probably a half dozen other exciting emotions I've totally overlooked. There is hope though. I am now an uncle 2x (boy, pics coming) and the MY CRAFTSMAN HAS BEEN FOUND. Apparently, it was left to rest in a bag of potato gun mayhem as my mom put it. Also, subway is having a 2ft long subs for 8 dollars deal. While life right now is sort of like trying to bail out a sinking cruise liner with a spaghetti strainer...there is progress. Whatever that means.

Mystery Munchies

Today starts a long weekend dealing with wonderful freshman and their ever present parents. On top of that... coming out of a hard summer, staring at year that promises to be absolutely brutal in everyway, closing up a very confusing/wonderful/long day, burdened with a body that can't take the punishment I'm giving it, realizing that I can't be the hero in a game I've never played, amazing friends who's love and support means more than they could ever know, thankful for the awesome family I have, blessed with an amazing God and faced with a life of scattered peices all with meaning just none that I understand...I have only one reaction. I have no idea where this reaction came from...no flippin' clue how I could manage this right now. I'm so exhausted wondering if my alarm will go off in the morning is stressing me out. Out of all this...only a smile adorns my face as I struggle to find sleep. Not a grimace, not a gasp, not an expression of fear and worry, not even a resolute expression of determination...but a smile. Kind of makes ya wonder what was really in those teddy grams I munched on.

Wonderings

Through all our failures there shines a light. Though the source eludes us we press onward harder still. Falling to demons unchecked, we bleed our life blood into the greedy soil. Our tears wash the ground with each blow. Regret and fear reside in our souls as the lives we sought to protect slip away. Stumbling time and again...have we been so foolish as to think we could overcome? Our foe tears flesh he knows better than its bearer. Can there be an end? Have we bleed and lost for so little?


-ty

Wherefore art thou Craftsman?

My life has ground to a halt. My most favorite and most precious screwdriver has been lost. I spent 30 blood and sweat earned dollars purchasing my Craftsman Ratcheting Screwdriver set (that features a soft-grip handle and onboard bit storage in handle with 14 assorted bits) and now it is gone. I searched high and low, left and right, everywhere. Other screwdrivers just can't compare. They just don't have the selective rachetting shaft, the plethora of various asundery interchangeable bits, or the life time warranty. My precious screwdriver. So many memories. Your black and yellow body still springs life into lost and weary screws. I remember when I first bought you at sears. I remember all the furniture, electronics and doors you have given new life to. I even remember when Jenn viciously broke one of your bits...but you still remained my favorite. O craftsman screw driver...COME BACK! I'll never again leave you in the hands of reckless drivers. Never more will I open tuna with your wide edge regular bit! No longer shall I force your torx bits into stubborn hex screws! And I won't ever go back to that stanely again...I promise...it was only that one time....and only because you were packed...JUST COME BACK!!!!

Rainy day to crap on a rock.

For lack of neccessary energy and grammar skills to post anything exciting I give you me after my startling discovery that huge sic nasty thunderstorms go faster than my lawn mower. I am completely and utterly soaked. All for the sake of making a few million blades of grass 2 inches shorter. Is it really worth it I ask?

Upon further consideration it was determined that even while soaked I'm kind of boring. So, I give you a picture of a frog who most definately needs to learn how to hide better.

For those of you who have already become immediately concerned for the saftey of the frog yes...I threw him into the ditch before leaving the station. Only problem is there were lots of these around:
And these:

So, unless you built one of these like I did:

The frog probably ended up as crap on a rock.



Yes, i know crows and geese don't always eat frogs...but I have definately seen wierder this summer. Who knew having a digital camera was this fun? I could have been letting the world know how much of a goof I am years ago!

What a face!

I don't have the energy to make a long entry, so...I will just include a wonderfully happy picture of growing neice and a little poem I came up with today. Deer caught in the headlights? No way. More like....WASSUUUUUPPPP!!!!!!




Under


When darkness falls,
All full of gloom,
There is no light of day.

When spinning wheels,
And clicking heels,
Can no longer save the day.

I fall flat out,
Cry staight out,
Wondering of the day.

I can not drive,
To run and hide,
Kids are in the way.

Like a fish on board,
I flip and flap,
Gasping for the water.

I see the end,
That precious end,
That gets only much farther.

To what end,
For what end,
I can only wonder.

I flip once more
I flap once more,
I think I'll go back under.

One Way, NO, This Way. What way? I like my way.

So, you know those times when all the thoughts and chaotic ramblings that have been bouncing around your head for a long time all of a sudden congeal into a major revelation? Then, it busts and you go chasing it around frantically like a 4 year old after a rolling sugar cookie. The chaos resumes quickly. Thoughts of the summer you wanted not being the summer you had; the man you thought you were isn't the man you are; the man other people see isn't the man you really are; the list of summer things that could never happen in a million years and the life you have that is headed somewhere and you have no inkling of a clue where it's going. In addition, there are those tiny little revelations that you achieve everyday that just serve to confuse everything: wow...that factory beveled edge on that pine board really isn't straight now that I've made the cut based on the measurement using that edge, hammers are meant for nails and errant peices of house construction..not fingers, large holes in "critical areas" of one's pants are useful for working on hot summer days but damaging to one's public appearance, ice packs don't keep your lunch cold if they sit all night in your lunch box, lawn mowers don't run well without gas, hugs make the sun shine a little brighter, days with prayer are harder than days without it, it takes a few minuets to recover vision after mistakenly staring directly at the sun or steel toe boots protect your toes from falling gates and weedwackers only slightly better when being worn in comparison to sitting in the back of your car all day. Through all of these dragon rearing thoughts and mini-revelations a friend sits you down and asks for help and you honestly have no idea what to say...only that God cares darn it and so do I. Another, sits you down and tells you just how messed up you really are...and that it's okay. Wrapping up the conversation with that little bit of a loving comment that bring all the thoughts and chaotic ramblings that have been bouncing around your head for a long time into a major revelation. {Return to top} [Repeat as needed]

The First Good Day

I haven't written much lately but bare with me. I've been pretty crazy the last few days. Things are starting to come back down to something almost like normal but not really...what is normal? I left normal a long time ago. I think I left it somewhere near the locality of Fort-Comfortzone...or in the ditch just outside of town.

Today...was good. Seeing as how the past say three months have been rather rough I'm not sure just exactly how good today was by most standards, but I think today was good. I didn't kill anyone, I didn't break anything, I got my work done, and had a few good laughs. Haven't laughed for a little while...so I will share with you my opportunities to laugh and learn today.

Today was the second day of having only one job. I told boss b I was wearing myself into a hole. He just said yup, let me know when you feel like working again and I'll find something for ya to do. Only God could have made it go that easy. I fretted for what...days if not a week or more about getting done and it was over with no sweat in less than 15 seconds.

What have I been doing with the afternoons and evenings? Well, I've been cleaning my room and sleeping. I am going through everything I own and figuring out what I need to survive and what I don't need to survive. Some stuff is going into file 13, some stuff into the attic, some stuff back under the bed. It is suprisingly difficult to get rid of things. I keep thinking I will always need this or that or I couldn't possibly get rid of that so and so gave it to me. I've just been closing my eyes and chucking. Somehow, my little room still feels really full. I'm not sure why...it just does.

I slept for nine hours last night. Woke up this morning exhausted. I stayed exhausted all day until about 3. Now I'm exhausted again. I think my body is rebelling against this whole actually getting sleep thing.

I'm discovering things that I've forgotten over the past few years. I am now realizing how much I enjoy camping. Not necessarily staying a few nights at Bob's family tent park or what have you...but travelling to some random "sort of named" mountain and spending a few days there. Or going to a lake that is better known by a number than a name. I already have two Mtns picked out: Moose Mtn. and NightHawk Mtn. I'm not sure if I can even get close enough to them with my little car but by golly I'm gonna try. Problem is...I'm running out of summer.

A second thing I have discovered is just how much the few friends I've let get to know me really care. I've been so distracted by other things I almost totally missed it. If I missed thanking you with all my heart for something please accept my humble apologies. Know that I do not forget such gestures.

I saw a few things today that you probably will only see in northern maine, and maybe some random places in the less populated western states. I guess this is the start of my "only in the county" series. The road you are looking at is called Dyer st. It is fairly well travelled and often sees a good amount of commuter traffic throughout the day. This tractor trailor driver needed to get his trailer up against this particular loading dock. The loading dock door is only say 10 ft from the edge of the road. As you can see the road goes through the middle of his trailor. He is blocking the entire road plus most of both parking lots on either side. There is only 6ft or so of the parking lot across the street left for cars to get by. The tractor stayed there about 2 hours...amazing. If you tried this at school you would have every wrecker and police officer within 10 miles racing to the scene. Here...I don't even think anyone thought to call the police. It was quite amusing to watch the reactions of people having to maneuver around the cab for the few minutes I stood there. Most people just smiled, a few laughed...though a few wrapped their lower lips around their forhead a couple times in protest. Yet another reason to appreciate aroostook county.

The second happening today that made me laugh was an announcement I heard on the radio news. Apparently, a gentleman working for a software company wanted some paid vacation. So, he told his boss that he needed 3 months paid vacation so he could be home taking care of his son with cancer. The company granted him the time. Why not? After the three months, the employee returned to work explaining that the son had died, thus freeing him up to return to his responsibilities at the company. All was good and dandy until the boss tried to send flowers to the dead son's funeral. Needless to say, the hoax was discovered shortly thereafter. The man is now being sued big time by the company. Hokey Mokey!!! If you need time off just tell your boss. Are you seriously that lazy? I can't believe he actually made it three months with everyone simply assuming his son had cancer! And then you try and fake his death when you've had enough paid vacation? Honestly, come on. Your smart enough to make it three months faking your son being sick and you try to wrap it up with death fraud? Why not just tell your boss that he went into remission and is doing great. Why...he's even looking and acting like a boy who never had cancer at all!! What a miracle!!! Buddy, you deserve every bit of what's coming to you. I had to pull over when I heard this on the radio. What a wonderful laugh.

Nice Guys, Dumb Guys and North County Roads

I got this from a friend and thought it was rather amusing.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.
Nice guys don't just finish last, they get kneed in the guts and the nuts, then stabbed in the back, kicked while they're down, shot in the face, then shot in the nads until she's out of mags, and then thrown into a grave she made him dig without his knowledge, and then buried in time for a dance that involves sea of urine unto said grave followed immediately by running off with a guy and forgetting all about you. Even if you were just a little more than friends.

I wish women would save this truly frightening level of what can only be malice for the guys that are the jerks that actually screw them over.
-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

From my experience this is totally true. While the fore-mentioned account is rather vivid I think it describes exactly what happens to guys when girls abuse lines such as: "God said we should break up" or "I just need to date different people for a while". Many a friend have recieved those .30-.30 rounds to the stomach before and become a sobbing mess at their dorm room desks. It's amazingly hard to know what to say when you see the kindest and most loving guys you know disembowled by an apparently heartless female. People always quote the cliche its better to love and lost then never to have loved at all. In this case...that's crap.

Somehow this tragedy reminds me of other such ironic paralells. For instance, I know about 20 - 30 people who have never taken a turn with more than two wheels touching the ground. They never have to buy shocks because their cars aren't touching the surface of the road long enough to wear them out. These guys are never ever ever ever stopped by police. Then there's me...who gets stopped for doing 8 over. Granted, once they look at the record the just let me go with a smile, but still. I have counted down the meters as idiots pass me on a busy highway while I'm driving the truck with a 30ft trailer on it. Yes, I pass trucks when they are going slow...but I'm usually going the speed limit when I'm driving the truck and these guys seem to think that playing chicken with a semi at 85 mph is fun. Trust me, the semi doesn't care and isn't going to move and I can't stop that fast either...if you mess up or misjudge this move your dead just because you wanted your snot on a burger faster.

I do speed and drive crazy often...but I do my bit on back country roads where it takes a little doing to stay on the road at 70...and there no one else in the car or on the road...except for moose. They usually just watch but every once in a while they run out to join the fun. This is when you find out if your a good driver or not. The half a second that seperates you from getting to know the moose's rear end a little more intimately or waving at him in the rearview mirror is esophagus squeezing to say the least. Its when a good friend gets stuck with the first option do you stop and realize. You grip the wheel a little harder and try to push it out of your mind. You focus on the road and try to outrun the memories and the fears. Northern maine roads are the best for outrunning things. They're long, curvy, hilly, narrow, and remote. Not many other people around to see you screw up. Not many people around to hear you scream as the needle pushes the bottom. I would go faster...but Danielle doesn't do well past 100...and she didn't really appreciate the 120...so I try and keep those speeds for especially trying times and a little flatter roads.

What a day. As I went through my day I discovered that I have only ingested approximently 270 µg/ml of caffeine today(I am usually hitting ~12,000 - 13,000 µg/ml a day to stay alert) which would explian why I pulled into a work site today and promptly collapsed lengthwise on the seat truck seat for the next 45 min. Luckily, I was the only one there so I didn't have any awkard explaining to do. Equally as lucikly I didn't do that while I was driving. The equipment I use is worth more than my house...no clue how in the world I would pay that one back if I put the truck in sombodie's kitchen. So, I can't decide whether its better to involuntarily sink into unconsiousness or maintain the attention span of a squirrel. The latter one is also difficult to manage. One of the buildings I clean in my second job is a TV station. They have TVs in EVERY room...that building takes way longer than it should.
I did take a cool picture with the phone today. Its a butterfly sitting on one of the trailers. I also have a sweet picture of two flies...umm...yeah...but I didn't think that would be the best thing to post at the moment. Perhaps if I write about a related topic it could make a good object lesson or something.

I know I work too hard. Friends have been telling me this for weeks...but I guess I suck at listening. Bills are a great motivator. I'm running low on money to maintain the caffeine stamina...and the constant flow of adrenaline that has been pushing through my chest constantly for the past month is getting unreliable and spotty, hence today, so I'm not sure what to do. I've tried to tell boss B twice that I would like to get done but neither attempt has worked. The first one I chickened out on and the second one I could not for the life of me contact my him. Sigh. Guess I'm stuck for a while.




Sometimes you wonder if this fight is worthwhile
The precious moments are all lost in the tide
They're swept away and nothing is what is seems
The feeling of belonging to your dreams
-DHT

Pride

Pride is like gasoline. A little whiff and it's a good thing. A whole great bunch of it...And all it takes is a dude with a match to send you into orbit. So, a little bit of pride can be a good thing. Small bits of pride promote confidence and strength (which I need right now). Let's just say my pride gas tank was getting low...then tonight I went at it with an acetylene torch. Like I've said earlier I have two jobs. My second job often includes cleaning businesses between the hours of 4pm and 2 am after my day job, which occurs from the hours of 7am and 4pm. I have been holding this schedule everyday for the past month and a half. Needless to say lately, I have been making stupid mistakes that I don't usually make. For example: two of the buildings I clean are located in a small town 30 or so miles deeper into the great northern maine woods than my home town. Yeah I know, more remote than my town....go figure. The great metropolis of Ashland has something like 4 gas stations, one small hardware store, a post office, one police officer, three banks, and four people. What they need three banks for I have no idea. Anyway, I clean the chip steam power plant up the road, and one of the banks. The night started out like anyother night. The cleaning of the plant went smooth. I chilled with the guys in the control room as they laughed about eachother and made light of certain other activities every person I've ever known who does mill work make light of. Once I finally got out of there, ahead of schedule even, I made my way to the bank. This bank is arranged with a small lobby holding an atm in the front, then a locked door leading into the bank itself. I went in, unlocked the door, disarmed the security system, and proceeded to get the tunes pounding and me cleaning. It went great, I was grooving and cleaning and having a wonde...errr...okay time. Then...I made the fateful decision to move on to cleaning the windows. The windows that I needed to clean were in the little atm lobby. Before I let the inner door close, I checked my back pocket to make sure I had keys in them then went on the to windows. Come to find out...the keys in my pocket were not the keys to the bank but the keys to my car. I was now officially locked out of the bank I was supposed to be cleaning. The keys, were sitting on one of the cabinets right beside my cell phone. I had no way to call my boss (who just happened to be on his was to Bangor about 4 hours away anyhow). I had no options. No one wants to let some random guy make a long distance call on their phone and I tried. You'd think finding the policeman in a town with three streets would be really easy...yeah no. I even went "trolling" for policemen and I didn't get any. To keep this entry short, an hour and a half later the bank manager arrived to unlock the door and wrench every last bit of precious pride out of the bottom of my stomach. What's worse is that I only had roughly ten minutes of work left in the bank. I just wanted to crawl under one of the clerks desks and die. My luck if I did that I would accidentally bump the nice alarm button and actually get to meet that friendly police officer that no one in the world knows where he is half the time. In short, my day has been pretty much the most frustrating day I've had in a while.

Hardest Learned Lessons

I've learned a great deal in the past week.

Opportunites are lost.
You understand the failure,
You morn the loss,
You accept the loss,
You move on.

Things are lost.
You adapt to life without them,
You morn the things,
You accept the loss,
You move on.

People are lost,
You learn from them,
You remember them,
You mourn them,
You accept them,
You move on.

People die.
You learn from their lives,
You remember the good times,
You mourn the loss,
You accept their death,
You honor their death,
You move on.

This is the nature of things.

5 Little Cards

5 Little Cards


I laid down my sword today.
I traded it for 5 flimsey notecards.
Their blue stained threads have held many words,
But today they held my defense.

As my demons raged upon me my hand longed for the powerful grip of a sword.
But I timidly revealed 5 little cards to mine enemies.
And I read.

My past was dealt with at the cross.
No demon has strength over me.
My sins died a long time ago with my Saviour.
They did not raise with Him.
The enemy has no power.
He has only lies.

Today, I lowered ancient walls of fear and shame.
Walls I built to keep those who cared out, kept the enemy in.
They have fallen.
I have revealed myself to those who I struggled to hide from.
I have revealed myself to the enemy.

Before, all that was left was what I pretended to be.
But I am a Child of the King.
Nothing can stop that now,
My heart bleeds for only one.

The road ahead is long, but I will walk it with Your strength.
I know it will hurt and my hand will long for the sword again.
Instead, I will pull those 5 battered little note cards out.

I will fall.
But this time I will fall for You.
When the blood covers my eyes,
And I can no longer read what is written on those 5 cards.
I will speak softly to my enemy.
For those 5 little cards are written on my heart.


-Ty

(Thank you so much Jenn. I don't know how to say it any other way. Thank you)

Random Stuff I have discovered about me and the outside world.

These aren't in any real order. I just wrote them as the sifted out of my confused brain.


3 months of little to no sleep....really stinks.

When I am stressed and tired:
-my brain goes into neutral without telling me. Yeah...awkward.
-pencils are distracting.
-all voluntary control of the left eyelid is lost.
-stupid things are a big deal. The other day I forgot a spoon for my yogurt. I almost died. You would have thought I was an recovering bipolar patient on relapse. After a few minutes, I discovered that if you squeeze the yogurt container hard enough the yogurt comes out way faster than it ever did with a spoon. How fun is that.

When caffeine concentration reaches and/or exceeds blood plasma concentrations fun things happen; limbs move on their own accord, muscles you didn't know you had twitch, you forget your lunch box at home but remember in great detail the day your kindergarten teacher asked you to spell the word "car" in front of the class.

Worry is an abuse of imagination. I'm good at this one.

It hurts to cry for help.

50cc hedge trimmers should not be used by people who really like power tools.

There is no therapy for depression like old fashion pain.

If at all possible, move to maine and convince your boss that you melt when you get wet. Then you will get lots of days off. Unfortunately, some weeks ago I walked to my car and back into the garage while it was raining. My boss ran out to see which parts of me dissolved first. I work in the rain a lot now.

A mixture of caffeine, taurine, Dextromethorphan HBr, Pseudoephedrine HCI, sugar, acetaminophen makes the pain and the exhaustion go away...AND I can still drive.

I have way too much fun with industrial lawn equipment.

I drive a commercially registered vehicle, which means I can legally be stopped at any time and given a drug test...crap. My supervisor says I am a professional driver...really? Is that why everybody always waves at me while I'm driving?

They say love will always find you. Sigh. I guess love doesn't look under the bed...I'm screwed.

Shakira's song hips don't lie...is pathetic. Music has officially reached a new low.

People get mad at you when you drive on the wrong side of the road.

Gravity sucks.

Getting your Z-mower stuck in a ditch the size of the Grand Canyon because you somehow didn't see it coming really really stinks....yeah turned that afternoon into bundles of non-embarrassing fun.

I need to stop listening to the radio while I'm at work. All they play are baby I love you or baby how could I have lost you songs. Seeing as how the only baby I have is Danielle my car...I don't think these songs are constructive. I don't need to be singing my heart out wishing Danielle would come back to me. Most of them are just depressing anyway. I'll wait till I have someone to sing them to that could do more than grumble at me when I suck at shifting.

I've decided I do not want to work in a lab for my entire life. I've never heard of a Field Chemist...but by golly I'm gonna be one.

I need to get out of this country...Americans are starting to bug me.

Weddings are stressful.

Little old ladies who think they are God's gift to the stupid stress me out.

Lawn mowers, chronic exhaustion, emotional instability, and little children DO NOT MIX. There is a strange rarely seen part of you that is fed up with life the way it is and takes it upon itself to determine the casualty rate of a drive-by-mowing while the rest of you desperately tries to bury the aforementioned portion of your psyche. If you or anyone you know should find yourself in this position please do the following:
- disengage the blades
- proceed to the largest non-movable object and bash yourself silly. If not successful, repeat
until unconsciousness is obtain.

I don't like turning people's power off. It's my job so I do it. Most of the time I feel really bad when it ends up with me having to cut the power, but there are times when I don't really mind. There are those people who legitimately forget to pay or honestly don't have the cash. Then the situation is tough. There are those people though, who have 4 atvs parked out front, three sleds out back, a 45,000 dollar truck, two satellite dishes, a pool bigger than my house, a big screen tv so big you have to sit across the room to see the whole thing at once and lawn ornaments. Yeah no...sorry not feeling bad for you today. You can do all of the following and I still will turn off your power:
-pout
-smile
-offer me a drink
-offer me a beer
-start telling me about the renovations your doing to your house and how expensive they are.
not come to the door (funny thing is, I can pound on the door and have nobody answer, or better yet have somebody else come to the door and tell me the account holder isn't home and when I go turn off the meter WALA, the account holder appears out of thin air...its MAGIC)
- close all the blinds
-start yelling at your kids
-start yelling at me
-scream bloody murder at your poor innocent dog
-blame your spouse( most common one is: she has the check book)
-blame Bush
-blame me
-blame the ground I walk on
-Find new creative colorful ways to describe me
-give me "messages" for my boss
-you can come to the door in nothing but a towel and hope I'll be impressed enough to not disconnect you so you can finish your shower. (all you really succeeded in doing was giving me something to whistle about on the way outback to the meter)
-act surprised (right...your 950 dollars short on a 60 dollar a month bill...ya saw this one coming sister)

Yes, all of these things have been tried on me by actual customers. The worst one was when the person that came out in the towel was a nasty old guy. I just about barfed.

The Piece Too Deep

They lay all about my feet: yellow pieces, red pieces, green pieces, black pieces. The shards sparkled gold in the azure haze of dusk. They flared and dimmed their colors like so many coals left behind from a roaring fire. Somehow, they seemed familiar to me. I tried to put the pieces back together. This jagged edge to this one. The beveled rim lines up here. As I placed each piece gently back in place the one before it would loosen, then fall. I began to attempt to hold all the pieces in shape while adding new ones at the same time. I failed time after time. With each attempt I became more and more frustrated. I began to fear what would happen if I couldn't get them all in place. What would they think? I creased my forehead in effort as I added glue to each broken piece. Surprisingly, it held together. I slowly added glue to the edge of the last piece and put it in place. Perspiration lubricated my hands as they rung. It held. I began to notice something strange about the object I had just reconstructed. It was incomplete. There were pieces I had somehow missed. I scoured the floor searching for any sign of the forlorn shards. Confused, I paused a moment to take another look at the object. At that instant the glue gave way and the pieces exploded around the room. Tears began to flow. I threw myself to my knees and frantically started reassembling the object but now no piece would hold. The jagged edges soon found rest in my shaking hands. Blood flowed freely adding its dark hue to the radiant color about the shards. My anguished sobs must have wakened him. Father came into the room without a word. He picked up my shaking body and looked deep in those flowing eyes. "My child," He said, "Why are you trying to put the old pieces back together? Why not start anew? Shape them better than they ever were before." He gently laid me on the floor and cradled my pierced hands in His. "First though, we must remove these old shards." My Father gently grasped on one of the small shards and began to pull. Pain scattered every coherent thought I had. I clenched my fist driving the piece deeper into the palm. "NO!" I cried, "It hurts too much." "Yes," He whispered,” The deep ones often do, but you must unclench your fist before I can get them out. If they stay in infection will follow." I stared into His eyes wondering if this really was the only way. My now ribboned hand mirrored the broken shards. I wanted to tell him to go away. I could get these pieces out. I could put them all back together. I did it once, I could do it again...but in the reaches of His eyes I saw the answer. Some battles need not be fought alone. With one deep breath I uncurled my ravaged fingers. "I trust You."

-Ty

So tired.

Good ol' Northern Maine fun

The past several days have been intense. Friday night my boss gave me the night off so I got together with several of my boys and geared up for an evening of much needed northern Maine stupidity. We searched the county and found an older GMC truck that we bought for 150 bucks. The thing was a wreck...but we worked hard and got here running. Saturday we drove her out to the badlands (deep woods logging area with numerous dirt roads) where we were delighted to find another beater car dumped in the woods. We hot wired it, got her running and sent that poor honda flying down the road with the ol’tacoma close at her heels. We pulled over into a gravel pit to prep the cars for some off roading. After painting them both pink (because we can) we removed the windshields, most of the lights, any non essential features, and gassed them up. We then promptly got the tacoma stuck in a flippin' pond and spent till 5am Sunday morning pulling it out. After a few hours of sleep it was back into the woods for some hardcore northern maine rally car racing. The five of us piled in the two cars and bombed through logging roads bashing and drifting. In the midst of this I managed to mis-read the road and bash my head on the tacoma. I recieved the standard: mild concussion, big gash on the head, temporary loss of hearing you know...the normal. After having a buddy check out the wound it was deemed survivable. I tightened on my hat so as not to lose too much more blood, cleaned the blood off my glasses...and jumped back in. It was perhaps two hours later that we simultaneously crashed the GMC and tore open the fuel tank on the honda. Remember mind you we are miles away from my little berretta and my buddies' caddy. Miles of winding dirt roads with no cell reception. So, it was decided that I would start the walk back to the cars while the other guys worked on unframing the truck and trying to get it started. About an hour later they finally got it out and barely running. With my buddy sitting on the hood holding the serpentine belt on the pulley track they set off down the road pushing the honda in front of them. They picked me up and we slowly continued on our way back home. Once back at the gravel pit we beat the heck out of the truck. Including, in part, putting a large rock on the accelerator and standing back pouring .22 rounds into the radiator. After a few salvos, she blew the biggest cloud of steam I've ever seen into the cold air while melting nearly every plastic part anywhere near the block. Throughout the whole weekend our activities were interrupted by paintball guns, sling shots loaded with paintballs, spud guns, choice beverages and good ol' time toe cable. In short...I had an amazing weekend. I got absolutely nothing done that I was supposed to...and no sleep, but it was worth it.

(Please note: we are experienced in all of the above activites. Do not attempt off-roading, rallyracing, paintballing, or in general being retarded without proper adult supervision.)

I'm not really a poet...but I do write a little from time to time. Usually, I write about what is bouncing around most vigourously in my head. Sometimes positive occasionally glum. I haven't had the opportunity to work on my writing so it is not going to be terribly impressive. Oh well.


I am the lone wolf.
Covered in a sheen of ancient gray,
I move through the wilds.
Past streams, past forests,
By swamps and pastures.

I am tired and old.
My eyes bear the pain of failure and regret.
Scars, rekindle my past,
Of demons that have ravaged,
Of demons that ravage still.
I seek,
But do not find.

They fear me.
I do not wish to kill,
My heart is no longer in it.
For the silence of death has followed my hand for long enough,
No longer shall the earth drink deep of my actions.

My pack,
They loved me,
They continue to love,
But they know not of what I have become.
My heart has hardened,
My soul cold and dark.
I am the sorrow at the end of their trail of tears.
I seek,
But do not find.

Curse the rising sun,
It drags forth another day.
Of living with my past,
Of paying for my pain.
Only in the night does my anguish settle,
Yet not enough for screams to pass away.
I seek,
But do not find.

I am become the hunted.
My enemies rise to take me,
I have made no friends tonight.
What does it matter now,
One life to further another.
I will not go quietly,
I cannot, the lives I have taken demand this.

The fog of the past surrounds me,
The burden of regret hangs low.
All those who have loved,
Who have cared and hoped,
I have wasted their gifts.
I seek,
But do not find.

In a world of carnage I sink,
The stillness of death draws near.
Those who have challenged have fallen,
Yet their hate pierces deep.
My death will be heralded, then forgotten.
No matter,
My failure is complete.
I seek,
But I cannot find.

Saturday, being my only day of the week to do work around the house and such was actually a wonderful day. I spent a good portion of it in my grandfather's basement doing some woodworking. We made some modifications/repairs to my desk as well as making a custom grip for my machete. I love my grandfather. He is 86 and still kicking. Heart problems and all of the issues associated with heart disease have been plaquing him for the past view years, thus I have made it an effort to try and get over to see him whenever I can. Grampa is very near and dear to my heart. He was a potato farmer turned metal fabricator for years upon years. Gramp taught me just about everything I know about working with wood, metal, and people. Now, he spents most of his time reading on the couch. It makes me sad to see such an incredible man restricted to mere academic stimulus 24/7. O well, such is the apparent way of things. I plan to spend as much time with him in the next few years that I can so when the end comes I know that he went home without being lonely, without wondering where his family was, or if anyone really still cared...such is the apparent way of America.

Time to start another psycho week. I think I am looking at 62~65 hours. Yet another hideously exciting week.

Work = Life

Hours worked this week = 69
Hours paid this week = 57 (don't ask)
Amount of sleep this week = ~19

Due to my incredible stupidity I am working two jobs. My first job, my day job, is amazing. I work for a power company mowing lawns at the maine offices and such. I get to use a lawn mower that is worth more then my car....stellar. I also read meters, work with meters, and disconnect people's meters when they don't pay. The last part isn't so hot though. I go to people's houses and talk to them about their lack of payment. If they can pay, or if they can work out a payment arrangement with the main office, I don't have to disconnect their meter. But if they can't pay I have to disconnect it. This stinks...especially if there are kids in the house. The look on their face when they hear that the TV is going to be turning off is heart wrenching enough to out class most disney movies. The job gets even more exciting when the parents decide to let out their frustrations on the poor meter guy that was sent our to deliver the final warning. I never knew there were quite so many colorful adjectives that described me...or my face for that matter. Wonderful shades of red, purple, and orange appear on most people's faces when, in the midst of all their loving comments, I smile...wish them a glorious afternoon...and saunter over to my truck praying that no sharp objects are going to enter my thoracic cavity while I put on my saftey gear. I had one gentleman tell me several times, after I had spoken to him about his bill, that it would be so easy to end it all with a single bullet. Yeah...that just about ruined my day. The picture you see above is me on a good day.

My second job is cleaning area business. I clean up after people too good to do it for themselves. Now, I know that this probably isn't the most accurate appraisal of the situation, but what else do you want me to conclude after taking a bath in a gallon of old coffee someone decided would be a good candidate for the trash can for the third time in a row. It's not a terribly fun job. In fact, its downright horrid, but it pays the bills. As a result of this job I leave home at 7 am and return at ~11pm...LONG DAYS. I don't have time for anything else but sleeping when I am home. So, if I haven't talked you to my friends for a while or are late getting something to you...you know why.

It is currently ~11:16pm on a friday night and I am headed to bed. Wow, what a rousing life I live. Everyone else is out partying like squirrels on speed and here I too exhausted to reach across my desk to drink the last of my thai tea...pathetic.

So, this is my first blog. I have no idea what the crap I am going to be writing about but hey...seemed like a good idea at the time. I will proabably write about randomn meanful things I think other people might want to know about...or not.

Without any clue on how to start a blog....I will post a picture of my new neice. Everybody likes pictures of little babies so here ya go. I am so excited to be an uncle cause this kid is definately after my own heart. Fresh out bed with the tongue stuck out to the world. Yeehaa!